Fade in: Conference room in a marketing firm somewhere...
Marketer 1: Okay, the label just inked Lara St. John. Her playing is indistinguishable from a thousand other violinists and she has nothing to say in the repertory, but man she's got a nice piece of--
Marketer 2: --ASSuming, um, that we can find a niche for her, what would it be?
Marketer 1: Well, we have to do what we always do in this situation: convince people that what they're getting is new, when in fact it's the same old thing. We do the rest with clever pictures, cool logos, shove-it-down-your-throat placement, and all that.
Marketer 2: Oh, yeah, right, I forgot for a second. It's why I wanted this job so bad right out of college.
Marketer 1: So, I suggest we record her in heavy-multitracked synthesizer pop rhythms, just like those that Vanessa Mae, Bond, Yanni, John Tesh, Tomito, and dozens of others are using.
Marketer 2: Hey yeah, that's a great idea. Remember that guy from the 80s, Jean Luc Ponty or something?
Marketer 1: Yeah, that's right. And Kitaro.
Marketer 2: Don't forget Disney's "Hooked On Classics" from 25 years ago. The disco-classics craze that started all this rot. Only that album was specifically aimed at kids and wasn't presented as real classical music because we thought people knew better. We sure were stupid back then!
Marketer 1: Well, I sure hope the kids who buy *this* album don't remember that! Ha ha!
Markters 2: Ha ha! That's right. Heck, half of them weren't *born* that far back.
Marketer 1: So, as NBC's "Must See TV" used to say, if it's new to you, it's NEW!
Marketer 2: And DARING!!
Marketer 1: ORIGINAL!!
Marketer 2: BOLD and ADVENTUROUS!
Marketer 1: Keep those adjectives coming--
Marketer 2: That's why I wanted this job so bad right out of college.
Marketer 1: And the press releases that accompany the disc have to stress how INNOVATIVE and GROUNDBREAKING all this is, remember that. You got that memo with the selective quotes from the paid critics on our staff, didn't you?
Marketer 2: Affirmative!
Marketer 1: Okay, sounds like a plan. I'm off to see a movie...
Marketer 2: What's playing?
Marketer 1: It's that new Tarantino film, "Get Pulped Shorty Kung Foo Matrix, Part 6" with John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Sam Jackson and Keanu Reaves.
Marketer 2: Is that the one with the gratuitous violence and the gratuitous Travolta dance sequence?
Marketer 1: And the gratuitous martial arts fights. What other kind of Quinten Tarentino film is there?
Marketer 2: Silly me. Yeah, I read about it. Roger Ebert said he admired how it was consistently gratuitous, and gave it Two Thumbs In The Air.
Marketer 1: Sounds innovative and groundbreaking to me. --Well, ciao!
Marketer 3 (entering): Not so fast. We have a new client to meet. --Folks, this is Veronica DeeDee Eazy, a 19-year-old Julliard grad who can play the electric cello while mud-wrestling her accompanist on the floor. Let's watch her demo tape, shall we....
Marketer 1: What fun!
Marketer 2: That's why I wanted this job so bad right out of college...